Well, where on earth do I even start? I’ve had many of days and nights where my mind has been consumed by the thoughts of sex, sexuality, gender and why I have previously felt so ashamed to even talk about it generally. Although that may slightly be explained by being British, I feel as though there are other reasons which contribute towards the general awkwardness and discomfort (also insane amount of blushing) that I felt when the topic of sex came up. Sex and sexuality has always intrigued me and over the last couple of years I have become increasingly comfortable and at ease within my sexuality (some of my friends would say too comfortable) and with talking about sex. As I have become increasingly educated on and exposed to body positivity, feminism and sexual freedom my opinions and attitudes have dramatically changed. So whats the plan, Stan? Well gather close and buckle up guys, gals and other human beings because I shall be taking you on a wild ride of my thoughts, questions and confessions on sex, sexuality and random blundering throughout my slightly shambolic life.
There is nothing quite like a good ol’ bus journey to get your brain juices flowing and your mind wondering over the big questions in life, or just the reminders of that terribly embarrassing thing you did 2 weeks ago in front of someone you fancy. In any case that time of travelling to work on the smelly bus to work in the morning gives me time to reflect on things in society, my life and my abomination of a love life. See I have anxiety and this has a powerful effect on my life which I am sure it has upon others. (Please do not hold back on telling me the effect on your life I would love to know) Anxiety has caused me to scrutinise every relationship I have ever had (romantic/friendship/family) this is why boundaries and labels are incredibly important to me also my mental health. I appreciate knowing at what stage I am with someone, what behaviour is expected from me whilst I am around them. When I am unsure it consumes my mind and it won’t leave for at least two weeks with me not being able to get anything done at all. I am not very productive at the best of times. My problem is that I am dating/being a bootycall for this guy I don’t know what the f*ck this is man. I need to slow my horses down. I know that this is not healthy for me at this current period in my life. I know I need to establish what is going on between us and if it is going any further. I have developed myself within life to the point where I know what I want. The feeling of not knowing what we are and where we are going makes me feel inadequate and that is not okay. Just to let you know, you should never feel inadequate with someone you need to sort some sh*t out and correct that. You are a bad ass, beautiful creature.
The feeling of being inadequate is very engrossing as it leads off to many other feelings such as loneliness. However you should know that you are enough. The general feeling is making me question my life and how far I have come within it. Although I believe we all should self reflect sometimes, I have been doing it a little too much lately and have become frustrated with who I am as a person and where I am. I want to be an open minded caring person who has done well career wise and has got some decent travelling under their belt. I want to be a strong independent woman as many other women do. However I do not feel as though I am there yet (or for that fact anywhere near there yet) and although I do acknowledge that it is a journey, I am 20, I still feel inadequate. Not knowing where I am in relationships adds to this stress and feeling. Ohhhh sweet lord, I promise you I am not normally this moany. It is a point in my life where I am questioning myself, this will change some time soon and I shall move on wards and up wards. I think it is time to make some changes within my life, make a plan of what I want to achieve and how to get there. Travelling is definitely top of the list!
Please get in touch with me on what you think about these supposed slut confessions/life problems series blog, I would love to know your opinion. If there is any topics you’d like to suggest I would be up for it.