Confessions of a supposed “slut” vol. 1

Well gather close and buckle up guys, gals and other human beings because I shall be taking you on a wild ride of my thoughts, questions and confessions on sex, sexuality and random blundering throughout my slightly shambolic life. 


Well, where on earth do I even start? I’ve had many of days and nights where my mind has been consumed by the thoughts of sex, sexuality, gender and why I have previously felt so ashamed to even talk about it generally. Although that may slightly be explained by being British, I feel as though there are other reasons which contribute towards the general awkwardness and discomfort (also insane amount of blushing) that I felt when the topic of sex came up. Sex and sexuality has always intrigued me and over the last couple of years I have become increasingly comfortable and at ease within my sexuality (some of my friends would say too comfortable) and with talking about sex. As I have become increasingly educated on and exposed to body positivity, feminism and sexual freedom my opinions and attitudes have dramatically changed. So whats the plan, Stan? Well gather close and buckle up guys, gals and other human beings because I shall be taking you on a wild ride of my thoughts, questions and confessions on sex, sexuality and random blundering throughout my slightly shambolic life.

There is nothing quite like a good ol’ bus journey to get your brain juices flowing and your mind wondering over the big questions in life, or just the reminders of that terribly embarrassing thing you did 2 weeks ago in front of someone you fancy. In any case that time of travelling to work on the smelly bus to work in the morning gives me time to reflect on things in society, my life and my abomination of a love life. See I have anxiety and this has a powerful effect on my life which I am sure it has upon others. (Please do not hold back on telling me the effect on your life I would love to know) Anxiety has caused me to scrutinise every relationship I have ever had (romantic/friendship/family) this is why boundaries and labels are incredibly important to me also my mental health. I appreciate knowing at what stage I am with someone, what behaviour is expected from me whilst I am around them. When I am unsure it consumes my mind and it won’t leave for at least two weeks with me not being able to get anything done at all. I am not very productive at the best of times. My problem is that I am dating/being a bootycall for this guy I don’t know what the f*ck this is man. I need to slow my horses down. I know that this is not healthy for me at this current period in my life. I know I need to establish what is going on between us and if it is going any further. I have developed myself within life to the point where I know what I want. The feeling of not knowing what we are and where we are going makes me feel inadequate and that is not okay. Just to let you know, you should never feel inadequate with someone you need to sort some sh*t out and correct that. You are a bad ass, beautiful creature.

The feeling of being inadequate is very engrossing as it leads off to many other feelings such as loneliness. However you should know that you are enough. The general feeling is making me question my life and how far I have come within it. Although I believe we all should self reflect sometimes, I have been doing it a little too much lately and have become frustrated with who I am as a person and where I am. I want to be an open minded caring person who has done well career wise and has got some decent travelling under their belt. I want to be a strong independent woman as many other women do. However I do not feel as though I am there yet (or for that fact anywhere near there yet) and although I do acknowledge that it is a journey, I am 20, I still feel inadequate. Not knowing where I am in relationships adds to this stress and feeling. Ohhhh sweet lord, I promise you I am not normally this moany. It is a point in my life where I am questioning myself, this will change some time soon and I shall move on wards and up wards.  I think it is time to make some changes within my life, make a plan of what I want to achieve and how to get there. Travelling is definitely top of the list!

Please get in touch with me on what you think about these supposed slut confessions/life problems series blog, I would love to know your opinion. If there is any topics you’d like to suggest I would be up for it.



One month on…

Within the last couple of months I have had an extreme amount of changes within my life and pressure. Which in some way is good. Humans need to move forward and develop. However, my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died pretty much within a month (or there about). This was a big shock to my mum and I. There are so many words and feelings that are in me constantly since this has happened and I feel like I want to talk about it but whenever I try, nothing comes out. I have decided to learn from this situation and to make changes within my life, so that I have something to distract me, or to drive me on from it. I learnt an incredible amount from my dad, one thing was that if you want something or to do something, do not hold back. Do what you want. SO, to what this blog post is actually about….being a vegetarian. So lets take a stroll down my vegi path.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a vegetarian, when I was younger I think it was more to be difficult with my mother. An act of defiance, with a little bit of caring for animals mixed into the motivation. However it has never quite stuck. I’ve always caved in, forgotten and pigged out on bacon. Pardon the pun. This has been a recurring pattern in my life. There has been many times where I have tried and failed. Over the past 9 months I have cut down more and more on meat. Going out to restaurants and  ordering the vegi option.

I am a bit of an eco warrior, being brought up by a mother who loves to recycle I have always been interested in humans impact upon the world. Due to this, I have educated myself within my spare time and to relax after uni. I have started to understand the environmental impact of eating meat on the scale that humans do. Cynicalism is a part of my personality so I have a tendency to believe that humans are a tad bad and are going to f-up the world. Anyhow, through educating myself, wanting change in my life and having very supportive friends that (some are vegis) that have given me recipes and pointers. I have been a vegetarian for over a month. I have grabbed the bull by the horns and am holding on for dear life. I won’t bore you with all of the facts, figure and graphs as I know it isn’t for everyone. However if you are interested I would definitely advise you to take a look into it all. As previously mentioned I have been a vegetarian for over a month now, so I thought I would share with you what I have learnt and noticed.

  • McDonald’s vegi burgers are not good. Not good at all. But alas! There are delicious alternatives within good ol’ Maccy Dee’s. (This was a tip from my cousin) Order a Big Mac, no meat meal and put the fries in the burger. Honestly, still very tasty and very quick if you’re in a rush or just feeling lazy and some fast food. Plus as a little bonus, they nearly always do mozzarella or chilli cheese nacho bites (or whatever they’re called) which are great.
  • There are so many things that have meat products in that you would have never of thought! Seriously guys, so many. For example, did you know that Guinness isn’t suitable for vegetarians. I’m not going to go super in depth with this but it is worth looking up. As someone who is just starting my journey as a vegetarian I’m not too worried about everything that contains animal products. (When I say animal products I mean actual animals and not milk, honey, etc)
  • At first I lost a little bit of weight. Not eating so much meat meant that I was eating much more vegis, which is brilliant! I do try to stay away from the processed substitute “meats” but they are delicious and sometimes I really just don’t care.
  • I have been eating a lot more cheese. As many restaurants have limited options for vegetarians what they offer is pretty much cheese, halloumi burgers, cheesy vegi lasagna, more cheesy burgers, much more cheese. Which can help you put on that weight you may have lost initially.
  • I kind of feel really proud of myself. I love animals and educating myself about the effect on the environment and them has made me feel happier about myself and my actions. Now I sit in bed and watch videos of animals for hours and think about how I’m not eating them and how that is a good thing.

Overall I feel a lot better for becoming a vegetarian, I can not see myself going back as I have many times previously. I am anaemic so I do take vitamins and supplements, however if your diet allows you so then I would recommend it to anyone, you can do it! (If you’re interested in it that is.)


Featured image is from this site

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Have a good day/evening my lovelies x x x

Being a Waiter/Waitress is fun, I swear!

Before my current job as a waitress I hadn’t really got much experience within the job role, I had done a lot of retail and done waiting and bar staff in a small pub but nothing to speak much of. I took the job to assist me with my uni course on a part time basis. Let me just tell you now, I am extremely glad that I did.

Being part of a team that relies on each other heavily is fun. You get to know each person very well and you become good friends who can have a good laugh, prank and take the piss out of. They’re your team mates and if it wasn’t for them you’d be fudged. I have made good friends from my work, we go out for nights out and share brilliant times together. These people help your job become hell of a lot easier. By setting up a table for the next group of people when they can see you’re busy or taking a payment for you while you’re serving another customer. These people have got your back.

It is an extremely sociable job, if you’re feeling lonely you haven’t just got your team mates to chat to but customers to talk to also. If I feel a bit down or stressed out it is nice to get out of the house and speak to people even if it is just about what they are doing that day or how I like their t-shirt. You learn brilliant communication skills as a waiter that you can use for the rest of your life in a variety of job roles. It helps you to adapt, especially the fast-paced, busy times. You experience times that are incredibly demanding and you have 10 jobs to do in 15 seconds with 3 different people trying to get your attention. Those times help you to learn how to multitask, not panic and prioritise things.

Why pay for a gym when you’re on your feet for 8 hours at a time? There is nothing like carrying heavy trays of food and drinks, rushing around most of the day. Sure, your feet get sore, your back feels crippled and your legs ache like hell but after a good nights sleep you’re all back to normal. Being a waiter is great for fitness. The gym on top of that is a good idea but some days you can walk 6 maybe 7 miles.

The free food and drink is a wonderful bonus. Obviously it differs from restaurant to restaurant but most offer you a meal for every shift you do. My work offers me unlimited free coffee, I also get a free meal and 50% off food when I’m not working so if I come in with a group of up to 4 friends we get a lovely meal at half the cost. Not too shabby at all. This is just one of the perks.

Tips. Tips are brilliant and can add so many extra hours worth of work onto your wages which you haven’t done but have worked very hard for! Even when a customer leaves a pound for you, it is a nice gesture and it all adds up. It means that I can treat myself to things I wouldn’t normally. Or I can get nicer presents for my family/friends. Waiters appreciate the money and although it may not seem much to you but as I mentioned before, it adds up.

Being a waitress can be stressful however, which job isn’t? It has so many perks and can improve your skills drastically. There are differences depending on which company you work for but I highly recommend it and think if you haven’t already, give it a go.

Why is it that University has been the loneliest time of my life?

There are many ways in which I could explain this, however I am going to choose nearly the beginning of my life. So here it goes! From the age of 6 when I found out what University was and that my cousin had been, I wanted to go. All of my life I had aimed to receive a letter stating I had a place at a Uni. To get out of my small, scummy town where people never really grew as humans. The people around me just became products of their rough surroundings. I wanted out. I wanted to better myself, meet new people, develop new wonderful friendships and to learn. I had heard about all the amazing stories from older kids of how brilliant uni is, how fun and how you’ll make friends for life there. I have never been so excited for something, this may have been because I had finally made the cut to trot off and become someone else. This was something I had prepared for and aspired to for pretty much 99% of my teenage life.  However, when I got to uni I did not find myself in the funny situations with tons of friends like the stories I had been told.

When choosing my accommodation for university I chose halls, of course this is the best way to make friends. That is what I wanted to do most of all. I thought this would help me. My first night in halls after all the unpacking had been done and my mum had left for her 2 and a half hour journey home, I laid on my bed alone. With no friends around me or remotely close. This was not something I  was not used to. This is the first time I had ever truly felt lonely. I persisted though, I tried to socialise with my flatmates, my classmates and people on other courses. I tried to smile at strangers and spark up conversations with them. Homesickness was consuming me and every thought I had was either of wishing I had my friends around me or wishing I was home. Many times I would look out of my window to see the building and most of its 570 rooms and think to myself that I had never felt more lonely in my life. Surrounded by people but none of them my friends or people that I got along with. My flatmates were okay, but I didn’t feel comfortable with them.

To socialise more and give myself a sense of purpose, I got a job as a waitress. Every weekend I now work with friendly people and get to talk to strangers as a job, which I love. I go to the gym and work on myself. I study hard and I try to fill my time. The reason why I never really made friends with the people around me may be due to my course only having around 20 people on it and my university being a small one. However it has never stopped me feeling lonely, it has got better though. I talked to my friends from home that are also attending uni and realised I’m not the only one. I believed before I attended university that these three years were going to be the best years of my life, filled with booze, pranks, learning, friendship and fun. When I got got here I realised how wrong I was, for me anyway. Knowing that I am not the only one helped massively and if you feel the same do not worry. I spend my time doing productive things and talking to my friends from home (and other places), I speak to my mum on the phone at least twice a day and I know that I am surrounded by love and friendship. It just may be a 1 hour train journey away or a 4 hour car journey.